You guys most proberley have been warned , as have I. This proscess must stop soon as we have been warned about breaking the written code about frivilous, (excuse the spelling and punchuation) as I have been down the pub, (nice spot of Austraian wine and 6 x beer) about the unnessary spontainous postings. Thees should be in the funny section, no here. So here we go then
Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59."
He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday."
He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"
How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
Pull down their genes!
Once upon a time a man told a small village, "I will buy monkeys for £10 each."
Since there were many monkeys in the forest, the villagers caught them and sold them to the man.
As the supply of monkeys diminished, the villagers' efforts slowed, so the man offered them £20 each.
They renewed their efforts but the supply of monkeys diminished further, so he increased his price to £25.
Soon no one could even find a monkey in the forest.
The man increased his price to £50, but announced, "Since I must go to the city on business, I authorize my assistant to buy monkeys on my behalf."
As soon as his boss was gone, the assistant told the villagers, "My boss has collected lots of monkeys. I'll sell them to you for £35 and then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for £50."
The villagers rounded up all the money they could and bought as many monkeys as possible. Then they had monkeys everywhere...
... but they never saw the man or his assistant again.
And now you understand the workings of the stock market!
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said 'Yes!' And Woman said 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.
So God said 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them'. And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double Cheeseburger. Then Satan said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied 'Yes, And super size 'em'. And Satan said 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service and MRSA
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians and French drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
One day a lion wakes up in a bad mood and summons the other animals in the jungle.
"I want each of you to tell a joke, but I warn you that if anyone of you fails to laugh, I'll kill the one who told it. Let's see, monkey, you will be first."
Shaking with fear the monkey begins, "Two men are in the street and..."
When he finishes, everyone bursts out laughing save the tortoise. "The tortoise didn't laugh!" roars the lion, pouncing on the monkey and ripping him to pieces. Then he orders, "Elephant, you're next."
Cursing through clenched teeth, the elephant begins, "A drunk walks into a bar and..."
When he finishes, all the animals split their sides laughing except the tortoise, who remains impassive. "The tortoise didn't think it was funny!" exclaimed the lion who, seeing that the furious elephant is about to step on the tortoise, kills the elephant with his claws.
By now, everyone wants to murder the tortoise, but nobody dares move. "Now it's your turn, tiger," orders the lion.
The scared tiger begins, "They say that Little Red Riding Hood..."
At that moment, the tortoise falls over laughing. "What's with you?" bellows the lion. "Tiger hasn't finished yet..."
To which the tortoise replies, "The monkey's joke is hilarious!"
Sorry this about but hgave another a pint is mine this another.