Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[brorabongo]

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.','Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'
'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?' Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

[francophile1947]

One for the men http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html - almost

[Bob]

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fell asleep, get to work late. My boss is mad and fires me. When I leave the building, I find my car stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the car. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[munroman]

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear with out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[brorabongo]

A true Scotsman....
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts. He approaches her and says, "Miss, would ye let me bite yer breasts for $100? " "Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would ye let me bite yer breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks. "Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again;
"Would ye let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K., just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there. " So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not
biting them.. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman.... "Costs too much..."

[brorabongo]

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single fiver that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the
fiver as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local ASDA Super store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper the headline declared...














'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £5.00 @ ASDA!'

[francophile1947]

How to fail a breathalyser http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N01v-VCpYw - it certainly made the police laugh

[Bob]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Youkshire man?

He's started wearing a cat flap.

[francophile1947]

A B-grade film producer came up with an idea to make an action movie about 19th century composers.
So he approached 3 well know action movie stars and told them of his idea. Sylvestor Stallone, Jean Claude Van-Damme and Arnold Schwarzenegger all thought it was a great idea and agreed to star in the film.
The producer was so excited by this that he let the 3 actors choose who they wanted to play in the movie.
Sylvestor said, "I'll be Mozart."
Jean Claude said, "I'll be Beethoven."
And big Arnie thinks for a minute and says, "I'll be Bach."



Sorry

[francophile1947]

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home , he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion." The doctor replies, "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid blitish docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

"Thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by self

[Leon King]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your mother.'

[Matt&JoyBongling]

An elderly couple went to the doctors to ask advice about trying for a baby.

The doctor was a bit surprised and asked them to explain. They said that they thought that it would be a good time to start before their sexual performance declined; he being 86 and she being 84, they were a little worried that they might not be able to do “it” every day as they got older. The doctor tried to hide his amusement, doubting that they managed to do it once a year, let alone daily. Feeling sorry for them, he gave them a specimen jar and asked them to return in a week with a sperm sample so he could test it to see if everything was still working ok before they went any further.

A week later the couple returned and placed the empty jar on the table. The doctor was sniggered and was pleased that he had been proved right. When he started trying to console the couple, they interrupted him. “Dr” the man said, “you do not understand; I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand. My wife tried with her right hand and then with her left hand. She tried with her mouth with her teeth in and with her teeth out but we just couldn’t …………

.....

.....



....

we just couldn’t get the bloody lid off the jar!”

[francophile1947]

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part
of Arizona when her car broke down....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered
her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the
Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it
echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service
station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the
service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around
his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.

[brorabongo]

Osama Bin Laden anagram...........Lob da man in sea.

[David Edwards]

I fell down the stairs last night, missus didnt move from the kitchen, I shouted " why didnt you come to see when I fell down the stairs", she said " I thought it was eastenders starting".