Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)
Moderator: Bob
- mellon man
- Bongolier
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Wed Aug 28, 2013 7:49 pm
- Location: Cwmbran S EAST WALES
Come on England !!!!!!
England have a friendly match against Iceland next week and if they do well they could go on and have a game against Asda Tescos and Sainsburys he he he .
Re: Come on England !!!!!!
Probably better if you read the previous jokes before posting to save repeating the same onemellon man wrote:England have a friendly match against Iceland next week and if they do well they could go on and have a game against Asda Tescos and Sainsburys he he he .
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- Supreme Being
- Posts: 11354
- Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:15 pm
- Location: Norwich
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called in for a chat.....
H.M.: "How nice to see you Mr Salmond."
A.S.: "Nice to see you Ma'am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I'll be a King?"
H.M.: "No, we don't like that."
A.S.: "Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I'll be a Prince?"
H.M.: .... (thinks).... "No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country."
H.M.: "How nice to see you Mr Salmond."
A.S.: "Nice to see you Ma'am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence?
How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I'll be a King?"
H.M.: "No, we don't like that."
A.S.: "Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I'll be a Prince?"
H.M.: .... (thinks).... "No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country."
John
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Eddie Izzard's Star Wars Death Star Canteen sketch,animated with lego,some bad language.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfmzfRf8UI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfmzfRf8UI
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- Supreme Being
- Posts: 4100
- Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 6:37 pm
- Location: Aberdare south wales
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
I had a strange insect fly through my wimndow into the kitchen and explode today, I think it was a Jihaddy Longlegs.
- mikeonb4c
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 22875
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 10:49 pm
- Location: Living with Mango Bongo in the North West but with a tendency to roam
- Contact:
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
- daveblueozzie
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 5922
- Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 9:25 pm
- Location: North West.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Bought the wife, her Christmas present today, A FRIDGE, can't wait for her face to light up when she opens it.
Lost without my Bongo.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
just found a present i forgot to give the kids last year,pretty gutted really cause i know they would have loved a kitten.
Gas safe heating engineer / plumber if you need any advice just shout.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
I love these church announcements
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up...
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-----------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
-----------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
-----------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-----------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-----------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-----------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-----------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
-----------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
-----------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-----------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------
And this one just about sums them all up...
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
A bit of sad news.
The lady in Holland who invented inflatable footwear has just popped her clogs.
The lady in Holland who invented inflatable footwear has just popped her clogs.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
scanner wrote:A bit of sad news.
The lady in Holland who invented inflatable footwear has just popped her clogs.
- BongoBongo123
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 1672
- Joined: Sat Jun 07, 2014 10:14 pm
50 shades of grey.
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Brian
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
Brian
Confucious once said " To be fluent in Bongolese is to hold the key to the world!"
Re: 50 shades of grey.
Brilliant, Brian.
Rum lot in Shepton, and the cider works is closing.
Rum lot in Shepton, and the cider works is closing.