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[pippin]

BDC

Then the "big chief" comes out of his toupee

Was he the big-wig?!!!

[bigdaddycain]

BDC

Then the "big chief" comes out of his toupee

Was he the big-wig?!!!

He was a temp...Hair today, gone tomorrow!

[pippin]

A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his pick-up fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the ironmongers and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then called at the agricultural merchants and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 53 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to your house.
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested,
"Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says
"Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall,
pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said,
"Dear lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied,






















"Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket,
and I'll hold the chickens."

[paramatt]

One day a priest was walking by the river, and saw a frog on a lilly pad.
"Help me" croaked the frog, "once I was a handsome chiorboy, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to reverse the spell is to spend the night in the bed of a religious man." The priest took the frog home and put it in his bed- low and bohold, in the morning there was a handsome choirboy.
"And that your honour, is the case for the defence!"



I said to the wife last night "you're the double of Kate Moss."
She said "Do you really think so?"
I said "yes, she's 7 stone- you're 14!!"



My wife came in the bedroom last night, stripped naked, and asked "what do you like best, my beautiful young face, or my sexy body?"

I replied " your sense of humour!!"

[Matt&JoyBongling]

Did you hear about the bald man who painted rabbits on his head? From a distance, they looked like hares!

[pippin]

Too clean!

[Matt&JoyBongling]

Oops

[pippin]

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

----------o0o----------

The Hollywood talent scout had just heard a young man give a very funny and lively performance.

"That was great!", he said. "What's your name?"

"Penis van Lesbian", said the young comedian.

"Wow! We'll have to change that.

How about we call you Dick Van Dyke?"

----------o0o----------

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.

The Englishman says
"I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says
“That’s nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says
“Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms.
I was really shocked.
I didn't even know she had a penis."

[andyb36]

well i will probably be stonned for this one

miss teaching young kids at school asks

who can give me a sentance with the word contagous in ?

little vicky puts her hand up "" my nan went to the doctors and said "" you have a bad flu virus so you must stay indoors away from others bebause it is contagous""

very good vicky ,,, teacher says

little maria says "" my sister had chicken pox, thats very contagous""

excellent miss says

naughty johny jumping up and down for attention,,, ok said miss , knowing its gonna be bad




















my dad says next door is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and he reckons its gona take the contagous

sorry

andy

[pippin]

A bloke calls to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down.

They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go and get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs.

There he sees his friend's teenage daughters, both very good looking.

Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

[scanner]

Following his conviction for murder Phil Spector has escaped and is now on the da do runrun.

[francophile1947]

Following his conviction for murder Phil Spector has escaped and is now on the da do runrun.

[Muzorewa]

I was talking to a mate the other day, he was telling me that after 25 years of marriage he was having erection difficulties, but he & his wife differed in their opinions as to the cause.

She bought him some Viagra.

He bought her a treadmill

[bigdaddycain]

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.


First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who s***ed it and fu***d it, and called it a .

[fatcatlawyer]

I have just read this on another forum made me smile so I thought I would pass it on...



I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door

whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little sh*t.