Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[brorabongo]

Why Men Wear Earrings.......

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in ‘fashion sense.’

The man walks up to him and says, ‘I didn’t know you were into earrings.’

‘Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,’ he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in my car.”

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

[rabbitsquasher]

Tonto and the lone ranger are walking through the desert

lone ranger says, you know I've heard you indians are clever people, we've been walking for days and havent eaten, how long will it be until food comes our way?

Tonto immediately drops to the floor, places an ear on the ground and says

Um buffalo come

Wow says the lone ranger, how can you be so certain?

Um ear sticky, came the reply



A plane full of nuns crashes into a desert, the only people to survive are 3 nuns and the mother superior.

they're alone and the only food available is a bag of flour

they have no water

Mother superior decides she's hungry, but what can they do with only a bag of flour?

one of the nuns says 'I know lets bake some bread'

how the heck can we bake bread, we have the flour but no water?

well, if we dig a hole in the sand, pour in the flour, then us nuns can take turns to squat over the hole, then, when there's enough water, we cover the hole and let the sun do the baking!


so they dig the hole, and each nun tries and tries and tries to pee... nothing...not even a drop.

It's up to the Mother Superior, so she lifts her veil above her head and she tries and tries and tries and tries, she tries sooo hard until...... PARPPP!!! she tries too hard, farts and blows the flour into orbit!

The Nuns pee'd themselves laughing....

[mister munkey]

My Titter Of The Week Award goes to one of Wogans contributors. (Moyles away & can't manage too much Scott Mills)

I've never had much regard for French cars in the past but upon hearing that a 65 year old Renault Five had made it to the top of Everest, I've had to think again.

PM me if you need that explaining.

[waycar8]

Unbelievable. Only the manc's could get away with­ this.. Some eagle eyed inbred has noticed that ­ barcelona have played an ineligible player for the last 2­ games which means they could actually be disqualified­ and that could make Man U champions by default . Check­ it out on the bbc site. Its right. Man Utd appealed to­ uefa only 25 minutes ago. If their claim is upheld­ it will mean they are actually champions again !!­

Carlsberg don't do texts for delusional Manc­ dreamers who STILL think they can win everything. But­ if they did.. this would probably have been the best­ message in the world.

[scanner]

I don't even wish I gave a ****.

Or even have any idea what you're on about other than it must be something to do with football.

[francophile1947]

But, if he's eligible, what's the problem

[waycar8]

But, if he's eligible, what's the problem

ah typo, now corrected

twas a joke message

[francophile1947]

Aha! - football a joke - how true

[scanner]

But as you mentioned "delusional" and "football fans" in the same sentence and that lead us to think it was serious.

[waycar8]

well ones man game is another mans waste of time , each to their own

I am the same with rugby, big muscular men groping each other every chance they get , would rather stick needles in my eyes than watch it

[francophile1947]

I am the same with rugby, big muscular men groping each other every chance they get , would rather stick needles in my eyes than watch it

You need to try Touch Rugby (it was on BBC Breakfast this morning) - women playing alongside men Didn't see any groping though

[rabbitsquasher]

thats cos I couldnt make it there......

[francophile1947]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.
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Sometimes the bull wins.

[francophile1947]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE....



Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'




IT IS NOT OVER YET...




Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

[Bob]

To complete the set:

Paddy comes out of the zoo, he's beaten up big time, cut, bruised, bleeding, clothes shredded...

Says to Mick, "You can stuff that lion dancing...".