Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)

[Gasy]

My wife's been missing for 2 weeks

Police have phoned to say "expect the worse"

So I've just been down the charity shop to get her clothes back

[Gasy]

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was
f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

[shuttle]

Study: 25% of British toddlers know how to use an iPad.

That's nothing. 100% of Chinese toddlers know how to make one.

[David Edwards]

missus moaned at me " give it to me now, I am really wet" I thought " moan all you want this umbrella is mine love"

[Gasy]

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.

[Gasy]

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"

[mellon man]

If you want to have a good laugh and learn a bit of history, then read this.

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA....

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS .

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT Mr GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.

THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO "WHO WAS MR GORSKY":

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERNTOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR.GORSKY,

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

It broke the place up.

NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

[David Edwards]

Ah that last one has been around for years but he has actually said in a tv interview there is no truth in it whatsoever and ...it was originally "a blow job" lol.

[mikeWalsall]

Shame ... another legend bites the dust ..!!

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm

[Gasy]

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[mellon man]

Ah that last one has been around for years but he has actually said in a tv interview there is no truth in it whatsoever and ...it was originally "a blow job" lol.

Yes but wouldn't it be just so cool if there was just a small chance it was true

[Gasy]

I woke up swathed in bandages, in a hospital ICU, tubes entering different parts of my body, wires monitoring every function, a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

I heard her say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'


I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?

[Gasy]

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.' A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly Spoke up..........


"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

[Gasy]

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and follow them up with " Ah I guess you had to be there " .

[Gasy]

Just thought I'd nip over to my Gran's and fair play to her, at 96, she had all the Halloween decorations up. Cobwebs and spiders in the windows and a skeleton on the couch.

She always makes a big effort, but there was no answer... I'll pop back next year.