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[andyb36]

now dont you essex women get me for this one

it could be used as any region even midlands, but i will tell it as i heard it

WHAT DO ESSEX GIRLS USE FOR PROTECTION




THE BUS SHELTER


ANDY

[pippin]

On the day of the recent royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed,
surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten
to get any shoes.

Panic.

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the time, the festivities
were over Sophie's feet were agony.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly, what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say ‘God that was tight.'

There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.'

Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
My God. That was even tighter.

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

--------------------------------o0o- ----------------------------

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it". The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a beauty, eh?"

[Leon King]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ...
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[brorabongo]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan ...
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[brorabongo]

When George first noticed that his ding a ling was growing larger and staying up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife, but after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches.

George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, George's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will George be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor. 'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you ARE gunna lengthen his legs, AREN'T you?


======================================================================
It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called 'add to the picture'. The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.

The teacher called on James to start things off.


James returned to his seat.
The teacher called on Ernie next.


Ernie returned to his seat. Now it was Suzy's turn.


Suzy returned to her seat. Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.


Jerry returned to his seat.Kim was called to the board.





Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being off center, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.




The entire class erupted with laughter... the teacher fainted.

Little Johnny had done it again.

[brorabongo]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'

God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a river?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'

and Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'

[brorabongo]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong, and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk....The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'. 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.', 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??', 'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??', 'I can't piss out of it!!' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[brorabongo]

Tim 'nice but dim' was found frozen to death outside his local Odeon. He had been queuing 3 weeks to see "Closed For The Winter "

[pippin]

The only cow in a small Karoo town (South Africa) stopped giving milk.

The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in Bloemfontein for R200 (about £15).

They brought the cow from Bloemfontein and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Bloemfontein ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow in Bloemfontein ?"



The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Bloemfontein ."

[pippin]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I am sure you will agree, and it is an absolute steal at only $20".

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".

So saying, she buys the parrot, and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Bleep me, a bleeping new brothel and a bleeping new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.

A little later, the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new bleeping prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.

"Well bleep me, a new brothel, a new madam, new bleeping whores, but the same old clients."

"How ya doing, Dave?"

[Leon King]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson
to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome
plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava
me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da-business.
You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home
and maybe a couple a bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife
inna bed with an Irishman. Whadda
you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say:

"Times up"?"

[pippin]

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your
mother calls your father."

Little Johnny shouts out, "IS IT A HORNY BAR-STEWARD?"

[pippin]

Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.
The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"
"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!
"Wow!!" said the first guy.

"Yep" he replied
"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

[pippin]

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t got
out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back
into the world.

Finally, Karen says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: “Mum! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District

Their first night there, she undresses as he does.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: “Why the black panties?”

She replies: “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”

He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario.

She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: “What’s with the black condom?”

He replies: “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

[Leon King]

A young English boy finds a kilt and wears it for a laugh. He goes to his mum and says "Look mum I'm Scottish". She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go and tell your gran what you just said"
The boy goes to his gran and says "Look gran I'm Scottish! ".
She freaks and slaps him across the head. "I can't believe you just said that, go tell your dad what you just said"
The boy goes to his dad and says "Look dad - I'm Scottish.
His dad goes ballistic - takes off his belt and gives him a good thrashing... Then he says to him - "I can't believe you just said that, now how do you feel"?
The boy says - "I've only been Scottish for 5 minutes and I hate you English bastards already".