I saw Errol Brown broken down on the hard shoulder.
His starter motor was frozen.
"Urinate on it and that'll thaw it out" I said.
He did and it went first time.
"It started with a piss"
Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :)
Moderator: Bob
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francophile1947
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 11354
- Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 6:15 pm
- Location: Norwich
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
A pure white rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham & Cheese Toastie
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending..
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves...
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.’
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending..
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves...
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause, the rabbit said...
'Mixin-me-toasties.’
John
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
(Evidence that intelligent life exists in the universe, is that it hasn't tried to contact us)
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David Edwards
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 4100
- Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 6:37 pm
- Location: Aberdare south wales
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Alex Ferguson is celebrating 26 years as man utd boss...30 if you count the extra time.
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David Edwards
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 4100
- Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 6:37 pm
- Location: Aberdare south wales
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Had my annual check up this morning all was fine till he stuck his finger up my rectum..perhaps I should change dentists.
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mikeonb4c
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 22877
- Joined: Sun Nov 05, 2006 10:49 pm
- Location: Living with Mango Bongo in the North West but with a tendency to roam
- Contact:
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
No doubt loads of you will have seen this, but it made me chuckle hugely, especially as you can't be a Bongo owner without being a bit of a shedophile:
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now Fifty Sheds Of Grey offers a treat for the men. The book has author
Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here
are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall... But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
me." So I took her to Nando's.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other
boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
And shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she
purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in
the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I
said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to
sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece
suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very
well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now Fifty Sheds Of Grey offers a treat for the men. The book has author
Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here
are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall... But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
me." So I took her to Nando's.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other
boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
And shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she
purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in
the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I
said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to
sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece
suite on eBay.
"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very
well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Made me giggle, Mike. 
Mitt and Barack
Mitt Romney and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Romney was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a [Censored]house.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you sir?' Obama replied,
'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a [Censored]house smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Romney in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Romney was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a [Censored]house.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you sir?' Obama replied,
'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a [Censored]house smells like.'
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too late pal, the paperworks already done"
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, took me 5 hours to get her off the big wheel.
PRAWNS!
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'
'98 Green over Silver 4WD AFT
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Arthritis
Sad news Marti Pellow has Arthritis. "He feels it in his fingers, he feels it in his toes."
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New Forest Terrier
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 1442
- Joined: Mon Aug 18, 2008 10:50 pm
- Location: New Forest
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthread.p ... es-Of-Grey
THE book reviewed forum style. Gets better as it continues. Page 7 & 8 a hoot
THE book reviewed forum style. Gets better as it continues. Page 7 & 8 a hoot
The BewilderBeast - V6 Mean Green Tintop with LPG and 321 Away Montague Conversion
Surname
Our family surname is "Daniels". So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.
She hates it.
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daveblueozzie
- Supreme Being
- Posts: 5922
- Joined: Tue Feb 20, 2007 9:25 pm
- Location: North West.
Re: Daily Titter - content warning! PLEASE POST JOKES HERE :
Went to singles bar last night 
It must have been a tourette's singles night
They all kept telling me to XXXX off
It must have been a tourette's singles night
They all kept telling me to XXXX off
Lost without my Bongo.